We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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