I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
