It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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