Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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