I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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