PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
