I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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