remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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