I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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