You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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