It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
