When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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