dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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