I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
