So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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