I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
