What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
