she takes plan B like it's going out of style
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
