Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
