I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
