I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
