Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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