she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
