Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
