Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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