i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
