life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
