She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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