i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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