So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
