i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
