She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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