...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
