That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
