I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
