I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
