I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
