My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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