Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My room smells like vodka and shame
you would pick up someone in the library
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
