if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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