some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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