for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
