I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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