I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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