I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
