Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
