im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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