everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
