When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My ass is underappreciated
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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