I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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